What I wanted to write…

I initially started today’s blog by writing about my journey from anorexia to where I am today. The emotions I went through. The fact that I actually understand what it’s like to feel fat, although, according to some people’s standards I am far from it. I know what it’s like to be uncomfortable in your own body. But I decided to, instead of reliving those memories that still rear the heads, write a love letter instead:

Dear Body, 

Thank you. Thank you for having been with me for the past 28 and a half years and not letting me down, even during the times I let you down. 

I know that I’ve punished you, insulted you, hated you, starved you and put you through vigorous training. 

You fought so hard when I was born – and your lungs did not fail even when they were supposed to. 

You fought hard to keep going through each split, developpe, pirouette and pas de chat. 

You climbed over monkey-bars even when my brain said no. You healed after every bump and bruise. Even that time I cracked your coccyx, you healed without any help from me. 

You bounced back after I starved you. You bounced back after I put you through binge-drinking. You bounced back after I harmed you, although you still have the scars to prove it.

You pushed through intense training, even when you were sore for months at a time: you carried on, you carried me. You didn’t just run out rugby fields, you danced them. In the sun, in the rain, in the heat and in the cold. You did it. 

You have been through make-up (by the litres), selftan (by the kilolitres), bronzer, glitter, creams, wax on, wax off, laser hair-removal, facials, massages, different hair colours (brown to red to brown to blonde to black to what the eff was that to blonde), extensions, nails, high-heeled shoes, pointe-shoes, no shoes, tattoos. 

Above all, dear body, you have had life created inside you. You carried a person. The person I love like no other. You went through intrusive surgery and you healed. Without any indication of what you have been through. 

I apologise for the times that I look at you in disappointment. I apologise for the insults I’ve thrown at you or the hatred that I have felt towards you. 

I honour you. Every curve, every scar, every freckle, every dimple, every inch. I honour you, for you have held it all together even when I couldn’t.

I will feed you well. I will treat you well. I will keep you fit and healthy. I will look after you. I will even be nice to you. 

I love you, for you have given me a full life…

Love,

Me

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